Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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