her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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