new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
