well I can't set my house on fire every night
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
