I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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