I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
