So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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