she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
