This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
