i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
