I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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