I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
