I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
