proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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