when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There's always time for handjobs
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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