Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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