Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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