She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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