1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
should my penis look like a turkey
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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