I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
