Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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