I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
