So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
