life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
