Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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