I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
