I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
