just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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