i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
