I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
