Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I intend to get homeless drunk
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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