if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
