I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
