Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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