so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize