I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
