Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
