I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
