I threw up into my coffee this morning.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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