Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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