i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
