I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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