dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize