Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
