you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The best revenge is premature balding
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
