i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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