My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
