yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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