don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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