That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
