i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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