He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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