then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
