Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
