Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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