I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize