I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
