the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize