So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
