gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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