If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize