what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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